Letting Go…

“…of all of the ones who hurt me, ’cause they never did deserve me…  Lord, can you imagine me?” 

I’m working on becoming more emotionally detached.  I say that because I tend to get myself all worked up over:

what others think and do/how they’ve wronged me/how I’ve wronged them/do they like me/did I screw up/why doesn’t this person want to hang out/why am I trying so hard to be this person’s friend/am I being fake/do I fit in/am I good enough/do I measure up to my coworkers/do they think I’m a loser because they all  have Master’s Degrees/did I make a mistake moving here/do people think I’m stupid/am I a liar/will my husband leave me/if I put my makeup on will I look less fat

So can you tell what kind of internal dialogue I have on a daily basis?  CRAZINESS!!!!  I wish I was like a man – it’s yes, no, and forgetaboutit!!!!  So…yeah, I have a touch of anxiety in my life.  I know, I’m supposed to be “Striking” and confident and perfect, right?  Well…I’m very good at hiding the fact that I worry and think a LOT.  In fact, it took my therapist a YEAR to realize what a anxious mess I was.  But once she put a word on what I was feeling I was able to begin to recognize it and work on alleviating it – or at least anticipate it and give myself a little slack.

So on my visit to Washington I was supposed to meet up with a friend and I was trying hard to make plans that would work…but this friend didn’t want to meet me half way.  I was mad/sad/disappointed/rethinking our friendship/wanting to send a nasty email.  Yep – that was me thinking too much.  I decided to give grace and drop it.  Later I realized…ya know…that friend is soooo high maintenance!  She’s exhausting to be around!  WHY did I want to see her in the first place?  And why was I expending so much energy thinking about it???  Letting go….

There is another person in Washington that lives in the same town as me that I realllllly didn’t want to see.  Just the sight of this person triggers some very bad memories, some really deep insecurities, and stirs up a good dose of anger.  Over and over again I thought “What if I see them?  What will I do?”  I thought it over and over and I replayed the scenario in my mind.  I entertained the idea that I might not even see this person at all.  Well….no such luck.  While driving with friends to work I saw them in their car – stopped in the street waiting for us to pass in the opposite direction.   And I began to get a sinking feeling in my stomach…I was telling a story and stumbled and stuttered through my sentence.  I couldn’t talk about it because of the company I was in…but my heart began to beat harder and harder. 

And I told myself that seeing this person didn’t change anything.  It didn’t change anything.  My day was NOT going to be ruined because of what this person did to me.  I was going to enjoy my evening.  I was going to enjoy being with friends.  I CHOSE to let that encounter mean nothing to me.  It was a big step and I was proud of myself – it was freeing for me.  It wasn’t easy…..it was a choice.  A choice to LET GO!  YES!!!  Saying bye-bye to drama…

“Letting go of my past and glad I have another chance and I wanna dance ’cause I don’t have to read that page again!  Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine ME!”

Change is good…

Last week we went back to Washington for a visit.  It was supposed to be exciting, like nothing had changed, we would triumphantly return to our old hometown and be heroes!  Yeah…not so much.

So much has changed about our little town.  The first thing we did was drive by our old house – it’s different now, painted, new windows, new planters on the porch.  I knew it would be different and I wasn’t really affected by the changes with the house.  What affected me was the rest of the neighborhood.  The yards were all brown, there were weeds, the neighborhood looks a little dingy.  I asked around and there’s been a drought and the price of water was raised so no one has a green lawn this year.   Our sweet little neighborhood is all dried up.

We also wanted to have fun with old friends…except…half of our friends have moved or were on their vacations.  The rest of our friends there were divided.  By divided I mean – there were several “camps” and people weren’t getting along.  Some friends of ours wanted to have a BBQ for us but they don’t get along with some of our good friends – so inviting our friends proved to be an experience in sadness.  We are still friends with everyone and got to see everyone.  But we missed having everyone together. 

Another thing – I got lost.  I lived in that town for 8 years and when a friend and I got together for a quick lunch she suggested we go to Taco Bell.  I began to drive and realized I had NO IDEA where Taco Bell was.  I only ate there about 100 times!  She had to tell me where to go.  I got lost a couple of times and every time it just made me frown.  It’s not my home anymore. 

Sadly, my older daughter learned this lesson also.  She is 13, a big reason that we decided to go back to Washington this summer is because she was really homesick and had come to my husband and I crying verrrrry big tears and telling us it would make it the greatest summer ever if we could visit so she could see her friends.  She lived in Washington from the time she was 3 until she was 12.  She went to the same schools all that time, grew up with the same friends and our move to Wyoming was quite a change for her.  She has done excellent here, gets good grades, has made some really lovely friends and continues to excell in everything she does.  But of course, being 13, she wanted to see her old friends.  For a week before we went I reminded her to get in touch with her friends via email or myspace and make plans.  No one replied.  When we arrived she called and called – no one was available, no one could meet up with her (I was willing to pick up/drop off/pay/whatever it took).  One friend invited her to sleep over but later had to cancel.  Another friend said she’d come to our BBQ but then later declined.  A third friend returned one of her calls and acted as though my daughter’s call was a complete annoyance.  She saw none of her friends, it was a hard lesson about growing up.  My other daughter did have a fun afternoon with her best friend but aside from that, there was very little visiting going on. 

My husband and I spent some time reflecting on the changes and being sad.  And as the trip progressed I found myself saying “I wish we were back home in Wyoming.”  The change…Wyoming is our home.  Washington is not, we are just visitors there now.

Having said all of that, we did have fun with the friends we were able to see, we attended a wedding and it was very special, we went to our old church and saw old friends, we had food at old favorite restaurants, we enjoyed sunsets every night from the deck of the home that we stayed at, I took lots of pictures and got some really good ones…

Change is good.  I feel that we got some closure and that life in Wyoming is more and more permanent.  We have been here almost a year and we have managed to build a special life here.

Homecoming Day

My husband and I have our own special holiday.  It’s been named “Homecoming Day”.  We celebrate it on the day after Mother’s Day.

Two years ago, on Mother’s Day, we went to church with our children.  We were separated but going to church as a family…in some way we felt it was the right thing for our children to see we had not lost our faith, even though our marriage was not in very good shape.  So we were in church.  The service was so good….it was so good in fact that I had a breakthrough moment.  I realized I was running from my marriage.  I was getting a big settlement check, alimony, child support – and I thought this would make me happy.  In fact, I was making plans for my newfound happiness in another state…as a divorcee.  But during the service God revealed to me that all I would be doing is trading one set of problems for another.  That life on the other side of the fence isn’t always the perfect place that we envisioned.

I broke down.  I cried so hard.  I was ashamed that I was making it so easy to get a divorce.  I hurt for my children.  I was sad that I was going to allow this huge change in our family – a change that they would never forget and that would shape their lives forever.  They would never forget the day their parents got divorced.  I was so devastated.  I went to our pastor and asked him to pray over me.  I told him that I was making the decision to divorce because my husband wouldn’t.  I couldn’t see any other way to fix our marriage.  I went back to my seat and cried even more, the biggest most exhausting tears ever.  My husband sat next to me…speechless.  He hadn’t seen me that way.  Our pastor asked to meet with us the following day.  We agreed.

The next day the three of us talked for about an hour.  I asked the Pastor for permission to divorce.  He said that he didn’t encourage it but that I did have a biblical reason to leave the marriage.  I told him that I was waiting for my husband to make a decision (to come home) and he wasn’t saying anything, he wasn’t asking to come home, he wasn’t saying anything!!!  And in that meeting – he didn’t say anything.  He sat, with such a pained look on his face, I could tell his lips wanted to move but they were pressed together tightly…  Finally…I realized I had to accept that my husband didn’t want me anymore.

After our meeting, we both got in my van and drove to get a drink and talk.  And that was when I got very honest.  I humbled myself and stopped trying to be strong. 

I told him that I wanted so badly to hear that he wanted to come home.  I told him I was sorry that I wasn’t the wife that he wanted or needed.  I told him I knew it was hard for him to tell me he didn’t love me anymore, but that I respected him for being honest.  And lastly, I told him that I loved him.   I said, “I love you and I can be your friend and I don’t have to be your wife to do that.  Me and the girls will be ok, I want you to be ok and to find happiness.  I’m sorry it wasn’t with me.”

I dropped him off at his car and when he got out of the van our eyes met and I said “Goodbye.”  It was a real goodbye.  And a wave of peace came over me.  It was in God’s hands – I had screwed it all up and now I was trusting the Lord to take care of my husband.  He looked at me and I could tell in his face that he knew I had let go of him.  He looked sad but still, no words. 

That night I went home and a burden was lifted.  I was able to smile.   In fact, I laughed with my children and I cleaned house and made a proper dinner for the first time in a long time.  We were preparing to sit down to our meal and I felt as though my heart was, for once, in the right place.

And then the phone rang.  It was my husband.  My husband had something to tell me.  I went upstairs so we could speak in private.  And it was as if the flood gates had opened.  He knew I had let go.  He tried to go back to work and ignore it.  But when he got back to his apartment he became overwhelmed with grief.  And panic.  And fear.  His family was leaving – his wife had wanted him back and he missed his chance.  He fell to his knees and prayed that God would give him the strength to tell me he wanted to come home.  He told me he wanted to come home and would do anything to win me back – that he wanted it all – the good, the bad, everything.  He said he’d spend the rest of his life proving that he was worthy of my forgiveness.  We cried, we shared, and I told him I wanted him to come back home….

The day after Mother’s Day is now our “Homecoming Day” – it was the day he asked to come home and the day that we began to rebuild our marriage.  We have committed our lives to the Lord and it’s gotten so much better with time.  I am happy….we are so blessed.  Every day we learn a new way to honor eachother.  And our family is intact, better than it ever was.  It wasn’t easy….but it was worth it.

Had A Bad Day

A couple that we’ve been friends with have been having trouble.  Big time marital trouble.  We’ve made ourselves available to this couple to listen, to share, and to just encourage them.  If my marriage could survive then surely their’s could.  It’s a whole long story but sufficed to say – there have been years of issues building up and it was becoming harder and harder for this couple to break their horrible power struggle.  In the middle of this mess are 3 young children that have been dragged into very adult problems – and it breaks my heart.  The two adults in their lives are behaving irrationally and selfishly, not bothering to protect the hearts of their children.  It has been a mess.

So today I’m looking at my Facebook and this couple…the husband actually…decided to play out some very private matters in a very public way.  He found photos that his wife had sent to another man.  They were NOT appropriate.  He forwarded the pictures to their friends and family and then he posted details of this for all to see.  It was shocking.  It was heartbreaking.  It was the wrong thing to do.

So I reached out to the wife and we met up for a meal and to catch up.  She and I had been attending a Saturday night service together and I had not seen her in a while.   I felt guilty that I hadn’t done a better job keeping in touch. 

How to act?  What to say?  How do I advocate for the children?  How to I confront my friend – in LOVE.  I prayed.  I prayed for the words to say.

In our conversation she told me that her husband showed the photos to her children and explained the pictures in detail.  It was appalling.  It was horrifying to me – that he would be so angry that he would put the children through that.  Insanity!!  I tried to be a friend, I tried to listen.   But I was so overcome with confusion and sadness.

My heart is so heavy.  I am worn out with grief over what is happening to this family, that these two people are hurting and that their marriage will likely end because they can’t see any way to fix it….  That these children are put in the middle of these two – fighting, angry and bitter  – and no one seems to want to jump in and say “ENOUGH!!!!” 

I can’t fix everything but I sooooo want to…..

Changing Churches

After six months of attending a church here, we decided it was not a good fit for us and decided to leave.  It was very hard…I struggled a LOT with the decision, my husband and I prayed and talked at length for many hours.  I cried a lot.  I felt sadness, disappointment, and a sense of failure – that I wanted so badly to stick it out and be a part of this church and make it better.  But the leadership that was in place was not right.  I knew in my heart that the pastor was not the person I wanted to lead our family in our Christian walk.

We did not speak ill of the pastor.  We did not discuss our decision to leave with anyone at the church because we didn’t want to create any discord.  We were so mindful of that, we didn’t want to upset the balance that was there.  It was a personal choice.  We felt we owed it to the pastor to let him know that we would be attending another church and he was … less than happy.  He wanted an explanation.  We agreed to meet and talk.  We knew it would not be received well.  In the end I left it up to my husband to have that hard discussion with the Pastor.  My husband shared his thoughts honestly and without putting a happy face on it.  The Pastor had said things during his Christian Ed class that were offensive.  We felt he did not have a heart for the lost.  He became very political and pushed a political agenda during a time when we wanted to learn about the bible and the love of Jesus. 

Later we learned that he went back to church and talked about our decision with other members of our group.  He said we had taken his words out of context and just walked away.  Later on I saw him at the store and he rolled his eyes at me and my little daughter asked me why he looked so mad.  I smiled and said hello – he was not so cordial.  And it just solidified the fact that he was NOT who we wanted to lead our Christian walk.  He was a grown man that was pouting because someone was brave enough to say “I don’t agree with you.” 

Since we have left the church we’ve had some other interactions with the pastor and he continues to show his lack of compassion.  We are not perfect, but I have a heart for the lost.  They are the ones who need to be loved the most. 

Our new church is amazing.  Our new pastor has the love of Jesus all over him!  I would trust him implicitly, he adores and honors his wife and children, he has a heart for the lost, he speaks kindly of everyone and his closest friends have amazing ministries that help immigrants, addicts…you name it.  We are sooooo blessed to have this new church.  We are so glad we are being filled and being lead by someone that we can respect and trust.

God is on the throne – and He is good all the time.

House News!

So after our trip to Georgia for Christmas we came home to our tiny condo.  It was extra small after being in my mom’s 4,000 sq foot house (it’s huge…what on earth would anyone need all that space for?!?).  So we called a mover just to get a quote on moving our big furniture and stuff – and it was low and they were available the next day…so we took the plunge and moved in – without finishing our remodel!  But we just WANTED TO!

So we’re in the house now and gosh, we never looked back!  We were fortunate to find someone to rent our condo for the remainder of the lease!  That was a total blessing!

So total remodel has begun and it’s been insane!!!  We have replaced all floors with either carpet or real hard wood, we’ve painted every room, our family room went from gnarly to FABULOUS MAKEOVER worthy of HGTV.  We are now in the midst of a total kitchen GUT and remodel.  It’s so nice, we tore out a wall, ripped all the old cabinets out, and we’re starting from zero.  Hubby put in new recessed lighting and it is beautiful….

So in 4 months we’ve done quite a bit – yes, we are still living in dust and my “kitchen” is actually a skillet in my basement.  But I sure haven’t missed any meals!  ha ha  We are happy, life in our new home has been wonderful!  Yay God!

Forgotten Blog

OK, so I totally forgot I had this blog!  Weird, I am a little embarrassed actually….I just *spaced* it!  But today has been such a crazy day….actually, the last few months have been crazy months.  I was in bed and couldn’t sleep so I came down and started to listen to some inspirational music online and then sorta by accident came across my own blog….sheesh…what a flake.

So much has happened since my last post:  we moved into our house, we changed churches (after MUCH deliberation and many many tears), and I’ve recovered from Christmas.   I should probably touch on all of these things one at a time…so more posts to come tonight. 

Daily Bread

Dear Heavenly Father,

Lord, I am asking for your hand of protection on me.  I’m asking for direction.  I’m waiting for you to reveal your plans for me.  And I am praying for a heart that can forgive.  I’m praying that you will lead me and that I can make it through this day without tears, without anger….  Lord, you have the answers that I need.  Please keep me mindful of your presence.

And thank you that you gave us your Son, Jesus.  To take our place on the cross, to live his life as an example of what you would have us do.  

Lord….heal me.  In Jesus’ name I pray…Amen.

Christmas #2

It’s 1:19 AM on Christmas morning.  I am awake because I wanted to get real about some stuff and blog about it.  But I typed and deleted.  And typed and deleted.  And now….I’m so exhausted that I can’t face my issues anymore today.  Sufficed to say:  It’s Christmas, the anniversary of the worst day of my life.  My husband is sleeping like a baby and I want to get in my car and drive as far away as I possibly can. 

But I’m not.  I’m still here.  I will be ok.  We’ll talk later….

Miss Striking

Christmas Time Is Here

Most people love Christmas….well, I think they do.  Lots of shopping and presents and fun parties.  Family traditions and travel and being with the ones you love.  That’s what’s on the commercials, right?  Happiness and Cheer?

I have a hard time with Christmas.  Two years ago, on Christmas Eve my husband told me he wanted a divorce.  It was horrible…it was probably the worst day of my life.  I was in shock, I cried, I called my mom.  I called HIS mom.  I was angry.  I was sad.  I was completely and utterly devastated.  I knew things were bad…but I had hoped they would get better.   I just didn’t know how…

The next day was Christmas and we put on happy faces for the children, we watched them open gifts and I went about the pathetic facade of preparing a Christmas feast for us to share as a family – I made a turkey with all the fixings.  And when it was time to eat….I tried really hard.  But I couldn’t.  I went upstairs and threw up.  I have not eaten turkey since that day.

If you read my “How I Became Striking” post you know that my marriage was definitely on the skids but through prayer and patience, we were somehow – miraculously, by today’s standards – able to reconcile.  It is a choice that makes me very proud – it truly was the right choice – not just for me but for our family.  I truly believe that I am showing my two daughters that marriages may struggle but it doesn’t mean instant failure.

So….back to the point.  Christmas time is here.  And I am sad.  Because even though it’s been two years … I still remember how hard things were.  I still remember telling my husband that maybe a divorce was not the right decision and the look on his face – just a blank look that said, “I don’t love you anymore and I don’t want to work it out.”  I cried so many tears.  I was sick – I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, my husband – the man I trusted and loved and needed – told me I wasn’t good enough.   And even though he has spent the last year and a half trying to prove that he loves me and will never leave me again … I still remember.

Last year we went away for Christmas.  I couldn’t spend Christmas in our house where 2006 happened.  This summer, before our move to Wyoming we had a yard sale and I gave away (not sold…I’m talking FREE) all of our Christmas ornaments and our beautiful pre-lit Christmas tree.   They were no longer beautiful to me.  They were tainted and ruined but I smile when I think about another family enjoying that tree for the first time this year…

This year we are going away again.  We are going to see my mom in Georgia.  I need distractions at Christmas time and this year we will be helping to bring my stepfather home after his 3 month stay in the nursing facility.  He has not recovered as well as we hoped…his stroke has affected so much of his life – he can’t walk, he can’t talk, he is sad…  I know how that feels.

Going to Georgia will be very healing though.  My husband wants to go to the church there.  The church where I became “Striking”.  He wants to meet the woman that changed my life, Karen, the woman who told me to let go of him and trust God in this situation.  I want her to know that her words shaped my future and that my children have their daddy because she took the time to pray for me.

There is good and bad…and I’m trying so hard to see the good.  Today there are tears.  Tomorrow I’ll try to do better.