“…of all of the ones who hurt me, ’cause they never did deserve me… Lord, can you imagine me?”
I’m working on becoming more emotionally detached. I say that because I tend to get myself all worked up over:
what others think and do/how they’ve wronged me/how I’ve wronged them/do they like me/did I screw up/why doesn’t this person want to hang out/why am I trying so hard to be this person’s friend/am I being fake/do I fit in/am I good enough/do I measure up to my coworkers/do they think I’m a loser because they all have Master’s Degrees/did I make a mistake moving here/do people think I’m stupid/am I a liar/will my husband leave me/if I put my makeup on will I look less fat
So can you tell what kind of internal dialogue I have on a daily basis? CRAZINESS!!!! I wish I was like a man – it’s yes, no, and forgetaboutit!!!! So…yeah, I have a touch of anxiety in my life. I know, I’m supposed to be “Striking” and confident and perfect, right? Well…I’m very good at hiding the fact that I worry and think a LOT. In fact, it took my therapist a YEAR to realize what a anxious mess I was. But once she put a word on what I was feeling I was able to begin to recognize it and work on alleviating it – or at least anticipate it and give myself a little slack.
So on my visit to Washington I was supposed to meet up with a friend and I was trying hard to make plans that would work…but this friend didn’t want to meet me half way. I was mad/sad/disappointed/rethinking our friendship/wanting to send a nasty email. Yep – that was me thinking too much. I decided to give grace and drop it. Later I realized…ya know…that friend is soooo high maintenance! She’s exhausting to be around! WHY did I want to see her in the first place? And why was I expending so much energy thinking about it??? Letting go….
There is another person in Washington that lives in the same town as me that I realllllly didn’t want to see. Just the sight of this person triggers some very bad memories, some really deep insecurities, and stirs up a good dose of anger. Over and over again I thought “What if I see them? What will I do?” I thought it over and over and I replayed the scenario in my mind. I entertained the idea that I might not even see this person at all. Well….no such luck. While driving with friends to work I saw them in their car – stopped in the street waiting for us to pass in the opposite direction. And I began to get a sinking feeling in my stomach…I was telling a story and stumbled and stuttered through my sentence. I couldn’t talk about it because of the company I was in…but my heart began to beat harder and harder.
And I told myself that seeing this person didn’t change anything. It didn’t change anything. My day was NOT going to be ruined because of what this person did to me. I was going to enjoy my evening. I was going to enjoy being with friends. I CHOSE to let that encounter mean nothing to me. It was a big step and I was proud of myself – it was freeing for me. It wasn’t easy…..it was a choice. A choice to LET GO! YES!!! Saying bye-bye to drama…
“Letting go of my past and glad I have another chance and I wanna dance ’cause I don’t have to read that page again! Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine ME!”
