Homecoming Day
12 May 2009 Leave a Comment
in My Striking Life Tags: christian marriage, divorce, marriage, reconcilliation
My husband and I have our own special holiday. It’s been named “Homecoming Day”. We celebrate it on the day after Mother’s Day.
Two years ago, on Mother’s Day, we went to church with our children. We were separated but going to church as a family…in some way we felt it was the right thing for our children to see we had not lost our faith, even though our marriage was not in very good shape. So we were in church. The service was so good….it was so good in fact that I had a breakthrough moment. I realized I was running from my marriage. I was getting a big settlement check, alimony, child support – and I thought this would make me happy. In fact, I was making plans for my newfound happiness in another state…as a divorcee. But during the service God revealed to me that all I would be doing is trading one set of problems for another. That life on the other side of the fence isn’t always the perfect place that we envisioned.
I broke down. I cried so hard. I was ashamed that I was making it so easy to get a divorce. I hurt for my children. I was sad that I was going to allow this huge change in our family – a change that they would never forget and that would shape their lives forever. They would never forget the day their parents got divorced. I was so devastated. I went to our pastor and asked him to pray over me. I told him that I was making the decision to divorce because my husband wouldn’t. I couldn’t see any other way to fix our marriage. I went back to my seat and cried even more, the biggest most exhausting tears ever. My husband sat next to me…speechless. He hadn’t seen me that way. Our pastor asked to meet with us the following day. We agreed.
The next day the three of us talked for about an hour. I asked the Pastor for permission to divorce. He said that he didn’t encourage it but that I did have a biblical reason to leave the marriage. I told him that I was waiting for my husband to make a decision (to come home) and he wasn’t saying anything, he wasn’t asking to come home, he wasn’t saying anything!!! And in that meeting – he didn’t say anything. He sat, with such a pained look on his face, I could tell his lips wanted to move but they were pressed together tightly… Finally…I realized I had to accept that my husband didn’t want me anymore.
After our meeting, we both got in my van and drove to get a drink and talk. And that was when I got very honest. I humbled myself and stopped trying to be strong.
I told him that I wanted so badly to hear that he wanted to come home. I told him I was sorry that I wasn’t the wife that he wanted or needed. I told him I knew it was hard for him to tell me he didn’t love me anymore, but that I respected him for being honest. And lastly, I told him that I loved him. I said, “I love you and I can be your friend and I don’t have to be your wife to do that. Me and the girls will be ok, I want you to be ok and to find happiness. I’m sorry it wasn’t with me.”
I dropped him off at his car and when he got out of the van our eyes met and I said “Goodbye.” It was a real goodbye. And a wave of peace came over me. It was in God’s hands – I had screwed it all up and now I was trusting the Lord to take care of my husband. He looked at me and I could tell in his face that he knew I had let go of him. He looked sad but still, no words.
That night I went home and a burden was lifted. I was able to smile. In fact, I laughed with my children and I cleaned house and made a proper dinner for the first time in a long time. We were preparing to sit down to our meal and I felt as though my heart was, for once, in the right place.
And then the phone rang. It was my husband. My husband had something to tell me. I went upstairs so we could speak in private. And it was as if the flood gates had opened. He knew I had let go. He tried to go back to work and ignore it. But when he got back to his apartment he became overwhelmed with grief. And panic. And fear. His family was leaving – his wife had wanted him back and he missed his chance. He fell to his knees and prayed that God would give him the strength to tell me he wanted to come home. He told me he wanted to come home and would do anything to win me back – that he wanted it all – the good, the bad, everything. He said he’d spend the rest of his life proving that he was worthy of my forgiveness. We cried, we shared, and I told him I wanted him to come back home….
The day after Mother’s Day is now our “Homecoming Day” – it was the day he asked to come home and the day that we began to rebuild our marriage. We have committed our lives to the Lord and it’s gotten so much better with time. I am happy….we are so blessed. Every day we learn a new way to honor eachother. And our family is intact, better than it ever was. It wasn’t easy….but it was worth it.
Had A Bad Day
12 May 2009 Leave a Comment
in 1 Tags: bad day, crisis, divorce, separation
A couple that we’ve been friends with have been having trouble. Big time marital trouble. We’ve made ourselves available to this couple to listen, to share, and to just encourage them. If my marriage could survive then surely their’s could. It’s a whole long story but sufficed to say – there have been years of issues building up and it was becoming harder and harder for this couple to break their horrible power struggle. In the middle of this mess are 3 young children that have been dragged into very adult problems – and it breaks my heart. The two adults in their lives are behaving irrationally and selfishly, not bothering to protect the hearts of their children. It has been a mess.
So today I’m looking at my Facebook and this couple…the husband actually…decided to play out some very private matters in a very public way. He found photos that his wife had sent to another man. They were NOT appropriate. He forwarded the pictures to their friends and family and then he posted details of this for all to see. It was shocking. It was heartbreaking. It was the wrong thing to do.
So I reached out to the wife and we met up for a meal and to catch up. She and I had been attending a Saturday night service together and I had not seen her in a while. I felt guilty that I hadn’t done a better job keeping in touch.
How to act? What to say? How do I advocate for the children? How to I confront my friend – in LOVE. I prayed. I prayed for the words to say.
In our conversation she told me that her husband showed the photos to her children and explained the pictures in detail. It was appalling. It was horrifying to me – that he would be so angry that he would put the children through that. Insanity!! I tried to be a friend, I tried to listen. But I was so overcome with confusion and sadness.
My heart is so heavy. I am worn out with grief over what is happening to this family, that these two people are hurting and that their marriage will likely end because they can’t see any way to fix it…. That these children are put in the middle of these two – fighting, angry and bitter – and no one seems to want to jump in and say “ENOUGH!!!!”
I can’t fix everything but I sooooo want to…..
Christmas Time Is Here
19 Dec 2008 Leave a Comment
in Daily Bread Tags: Christmas, divorce, grief, reconcilliation, travel, Trusting God
Most people love Christmas….well, I think they do. Lots of shopping and presents and fun parties. Family traditions and travel and being with the ones you love. That’s what’s on the commercials, right? Happiness and Cheer?
I have a hard time with Christmas. Two years ago, on Christmas Eve my husband told me he wanted a divorce. It was horrible…it was probably the worst day of my life. I was in shock, I cried, I called my mom. I called HIS mom. I was angry. I was sad. I was completely and utterly devastated. I knew things were bad…but I had hoped they would get better. I just didn’t know how…
The next day was Christmas and we put on happy faces for the children, we watched them open gifts and I went about the pathetic facade of preparing a Christmas feast for us to share as a family – I made a turkey with all the fixings. And when it was time to eat….I tried really hard. But I couldn’t. I went upstairs and threw up. I have not eaten turkey since that day.
If you read my “How I Became Striking” post you know that my marriage was definitely on the skids but through prayer and patience, we were somehow – miraculously, by today’s standards – able to reconcile. It is a choice that makes me very proud – it truly was the right choice – not just for me but for our family. I truly believe that I am showing my two daughters that marriages may struggle but it doesn’t mean instant failure.
So….back to the point. Christmas time is here. And I am sad. Because even though it’s been two years … I still remember how hard things were. I still remember telling my husband that maybe a divorce was not the right decision and the look on his face – just a blank look that said, “I don’t love you anymore and I don’t want to work it out.” I cried so many tears. I was sick – I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, my husband – the man I trusted and loved and needed – told me I wasn’t good enough. And even though he has spent the last year and a half trying to prove that he loves me and will never leave me again … I still remember.
Last year we went away for Christmas. I couldn’t spend Christmas in our house where 2006 happened. This summer, before our move to Wyoming we had a yard sale and I gave away (not sold…I’m talking FREE) all of our Christmas ornaments and our beautiful pre-lit Christmas tree. They were no longer beautiful to me. They were tainted and ruined but I smile when I think about another family enjoying that tree for the first time this year…
This year we are going away again. We are going to see my mom in Georgia. I need distractions at Christmas time and this year we will be helping to bring my stepfather home after his 3 month stay in the nursing facility. He has not recovered as well as we hoped…his stroke has affected so much of his life – he can’t walk, he can’t talk, he is sad… I know how that feels.
Going to Georgia will be very healing though. My husband wants to go to the church there. The church where I became “Striking”. He wants to meet the woman that changed my life, Karen, the woman who told me to let go of him and trust God in this situation. I want her to know that her words shaped my future and that my children have their daddy because she took the time to pray for me.
There is good and bad…and I’m trying so hard to see the good. Today there are tears. Tomorrow I’ll try to do better.
Fireproof – Go See It!
08 Oct 2008 Leave a Comment
in My Striking Life Tags: Christian movie, divorce, Fireproof The Movie, Love Is Not A Fight, reconcilliation
Husband and I went to see “Fireproof” on Friday and it was a GREAT movie! WOW, so nice to watch a movie with Christian values and a realllllly relevant topic – marriage.
If you don’t know, it’s a movie about a fireman, Caleb, who is in the beginning stages of a divorce. Both he and his wife are strong willed and disrespectful to one another. Caleb’s father gives him a book called “The Love Dare” and asks his son if he is willing to save his marriage. Caleb wants to save it…and begins 40 days of “Love Dares” to try to win back his wife. It isn’t easy. His wife is not receptive to his attempts to show he loves her. Caleb wants to quit several times – but his father continues to encourage him.
I won’t spoil the ending…but it’s a good one. This movie left me in tears. It has a great soundtrack, including the song from my last blog, “Love is Not A Fight”. Husband and I sat through all the credits and we both cried, the movie mirrored a lot of the stuff we went through in the last 2 years; we could see ourselves in both the husband and wife: wanting to reconcile the marriage but struggling with pride and not knowing if our efforts would succeed.
Go see this movie. It is so good….
