Letting Go…
28 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in My Striking Life Tags: anxiety, friends, insecurity, washington
“…of all of the ones who hurt me, ’cause they never did deserve me… Lord, can you imagine me?”
I’m working on becoming more emotionally detached. I say that because I tend to get myself all worked up over:
what others think and do/how they’ve wronged me/how I’ve wronged them/do they like me/did I screw up/why doesn’t this person want to hang out/why am I trying so hard to be this person’s friend/am I being fake/do I fit in/am I good enough/do I measure up to my coworkers/do they think I’m a loser because they all have Master’s Degrees/did I make a mistake moving here/do people think I’m stupid/am I a liar/will my husband leave me/if I put my makeup on will I look less fat
So can you tell what kind of internal dialogue I have on a daily basis? CRAZINESS!!!! I wish I was like a man – it’s yes, no, and forgetaboutit!!!! So…yeah, I have a touch of anxiety in my life. I know, I’m supposed to be “Striking” and confident and perfect, right? Well…I’m very good at hiding the fact that I worry and think a LOT. In fact, it took my therapist a YEAR to realize what a anxious mess I was. But once she put a word on what I was feeling I was able to begin to recognize it and work on alleviating it – or at least anticipate it and give myself a little slack.
So on my visit to Washington I was supposed to meet up with a friend and I was trying hard to make plans that would work…but this friend didn’t want to meet me half way. I was mad/sad/disappointed/rethinking our friendship/wanting to send a nasty email. Yep – that was me thinking too much. I decided to give grace and drop it. Later I realized…ya know…that friend is soooo high maintenance! She’s exhausting to be around! WHY did I want to see her in the first place? And why was I expending so much energy thinking about it??? Letting go….
There is another person in Washington that lives in the same town as me that I realllllly didn’t want to see. Just the sight of this person triggers some very bad memories, some really deep insecurities, and stirs up a good dose of anger. Over and over again I thought “What if I see them? What will I do?” I thought it over and over and I replayed the scenario in my mind. I entertained the idea that I might not even see this person at all. Well….no such luck. While driving with friends to work I saw them in their car – stopped in the street waiting for us to pass in the opposite direction. And I began to get a sinking feeling in my stomach…I was telling a story and stumbled and stuttered through my sentence. I couldn’t talk about it because of the company I was in…but my heart began to beat harder and harder.
And I told myself that seeing this person didn’t change anything. It didn’t change anything. My day was NOT going to be ruined because of what this person did to me. I was going to enjoy my evening. I was going to enjoy being with friends. I CHOSE to let that encounter mean nothing to me. It was a big step and I was proud of myself – it was freeing for me. It wasn’t easy…..it was a choice. A choice to LET GO! YES!!! Saying bye-bye to drama…
“Letting go of my past and glad I have another chance and I wanna dance ’cause I don’t have to read that page again! Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine ME!”
Change is good…
28 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in My Striking Life Tags: bbq, change, friends, visiting, washington, wyoming
Last week we went back to Washington for a visit. It was supposed to be exciting, like nothing had changed, we would triumphantly return to our old hometown and be heroes! Yeah…not so much.
So much has changed about our little town. The first thing we did was drive by our old house – it’s different now, painted, new windows, new planters on the porch. I knew it would be different and I wasn’t really affected by the changes with the house. What affected me was the rest of the neighborhood. The yards were all brown, there were weeds, the neighborhood looks a little dingy. I asked around and there’s been a drought and the price of water was raised so no one has a green lawn this year. Our sweet little neighborhood is all dried up.
We also wanted to have fun with old friends…except…half of our friends have moved or were on their vacations. The rest of our friends there were divided. By divided I mean – there were several “camps” and people weren’t getting along. Some friends of ours wanted to have a BBQ for us but they don’t get along with some of our good friends – so inviting our friends proved to be an experience in sadness. We are still friends with everyone and got to see everyone. But we missed having everyone together.
Another thing – I got lost. I lived in that town for 8 years and when a friend and I got together for a quick lunch she suggested we go to Taco Bell. I began to drive and realized I had NO IDEA where Taco Bell was. I only ate there about 100 times! She had to tell me where to go. I got lost a couple of times and every time it just made me frown. It’s not my home anymore.
Sadly, my older daughter learned this lesson also. She is 13, a big reason that we decided to go back to Washington this summer is because she was really homesick and had come to my husband and I crying verrrrry big tears and telling us it would make it the greatest summer ever if we could visit so she could see her friends. She lived in Washington from the time she was 3 until she was 12. She went to the same schools all that time, grew up with the same friends and our move to Wyoming was quite a change for her. She has done excellent here, gets good grades, has made some really lovely friends and continues to excell in everything she does. But of course, being 13, she wanted to see her old friends. For a week before we went I reminded her to get in touch with her friends via email or myspace and make plans. No one replied. When we arrived she called and called – no one was available, no one could meet up with her (I was willing to pick up/drop off/pay/whatever it took). One friend invited her to sleep over but later had to cancel. Another friend said she’d come to our BBQ but then later declined. A third friend returned one of her calls and acted as though my daughter’s call was a complete annoyance. She saw none of her friends, it was a hard lesson about growing up. My other daughter did have a fun afternoon with her best friend but aside from that, there was very little visiting going on.
My husband and I spent some time reflecting on the changes and being sad. And as the trip progressed I found myself saying “I wish we were back home in Wyoming.” The change…Wyoming is our home. Washington is not, we are just visitors there now.
Having said all of that, we did have fun with the friends we were able to see, we attended a wedding and it was very special, we went to our old church and saw old friends, we had food at old favorite restaurants, we enjoyed sunsets every night from the deck of the home that we stayed at, I took lots of pictures and got some really good ones…
Change is good. I feel that we got some closure and that life in Wyoming is more and more permanent. We have been here almost a year and we have managed to build a special life here.
Being Connected…
17 Oct 2008 Leave a Comment
in My Striking Life, Random Ramblings of a Striking Diva Tags: friends, real estate, relationships
Today I realized that being the new kid in town can have it’s disadvantages…. I also realized how connected we were in Washington and….I miss it.
This house thing has been a pretty big deal for us. When we got to the point where we were just overwhelmed with all the details I knew who I had to call – Pat & Dave, our mentors and dear friends back in Washington. They were awesome. They didn’t tell us what to do, but reminded us of what was important.
Then last week we went to a local bank to begin the loan process – we have spotless excellent credit – and the loan officer said he’d match rates with our other bank whenever. Nevermind that he kind of insulted us by trying to say we’d have to wait for an approval…when in fact, he put in our information and we were approved instantly…. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now a week later I ask him if he’d match a lower rate at our other bank and he said that he couldn’t. HUH???? So I asked him to look into it and call me back. No call.
So…we called our banker in Washington. He knows us and asked about our move to Laramie, our land, hunting – you know, instant repoire. Then we got to talking rates and on the spot he said “Sure I’ll match the rate.” and in our conversation he matched other fees that will save us big bucks… Oh, did I mention that our banker works for the same bank as the loan officer we met with here in Wyoming? Hmmmm….
So basically what I’m saying is….I’m realizing how connected we were and how important those relationships are. And now, more than ever, we are so grateful for them.
Surprise Renovations
30 Jun 2008 Leave a Comment
in Random Ramblings of a Striking Diva Tags: friends, home improvements, remodeling
Yesterday, my husband and I were tired of waiting around for a woman who had wanted to come see our house. She totally flaked. So since we were killing time I told my husband my friend Lorena’s husband was out of town and they had a lot of home improvement projects that weren’t completed. He’s a handy guy and he is friends with her husband, Ty, so we called and asked if we could help out in any way. She said there were 2 small closets that they had hoped to make into one large one.
We headed right over and before we knew it DH had started tearing away doors, drywall, etc. In the process he realized that needed to get a new header board for the inside of the new and improved enlarged closet. Lorena called her husband to ask him to pick one up on the way home and….well….
He was FURIOUS!!! He was soooooo pissed that she had someone come over and do this work. He hung up on her and I was scared!!! DH called and tried to smooth things over…it wasn’t going to happen in that moment.
He finally did show up about 2 hours later (he was gone on an overnight trip picking up his sons) and he had calmed down. DH had done a remarkable amount of work on the closet and it was being done right. So in the end, we got his blessing. And they got a new fabulous closet.
