Letting Go…
28 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in My Striking Life Tags: anxiety, friends, insecurity, washington
“…of all of the ones who hurt me, ’cause they never did deserve me… Lord, can you imagine me?”
I’m working on becoming more emotionally detached. I say that because I tend to get myself all worked up over:
what others think and do/how they’ve wronged me/how I’ve wronged them/do they like me/did I screw up/why doesn’t this person want to hang out/why am I trying so hard to be this person’s friend/am I being fake/do I fit in/am I good enough/do I measure up to my coworkers/do they think I’m a loser because they all have Master’s Degrees/did I make a mistake moving here/do people think I’m stupid/am I a liar/will my husband leave me/if I put my makeup on will I look less fat
So can you tell what kind of internal dialogue I have on a daily basis? CRAZINESS!!!! I wish I was like a man – it’s yes, no, and forgetaboutit!!!! So…yeah, I have a touch of anxiety in my life. I know, I’m supposed to be “Striking” and confident and perfect, right? Well…I’m very good at hiding the fact that I worry and think a LOT. In fact, it took my therapist a YEAR to realize what a anxious mess I was. But once she put a word on what I was feeling I was able to begin to recognize it and work on alleviating it – or at least anticipate it and give myself a little slack.
So on my visit to Washington I was supposed to meet up with a friend and I was trying hard to make plans that would work…but this friend didn’t want to meet me half way. I was mad/sad/disappointed/rethinking our friendship/wanting to send a nasty email. Yep – that was me thinking too much. I decided to give grace and drop it. Later I realized…ya know…that friend is soooo high maintenance! She’s exhausting to be around! WHY did I want to see her in the first place? And why was I expending so much energy thinking about it??? Letting go….
There is another person in Washington that lives in the same town as me that I realllllly didn’t want to see. Just the sight of this person triggers some very bad memories, some really deep insecurities, and stirs up a good dose of anger. Over and over again I thought “What if I see them? What will I do?” I thought it over and over and I replayed the scenario in my mind. I entertained the idea that I might not even see this person at all. Well….no such luck. While driving with friends to work I saw them in their car – stopped in the street waiting for us to pass in the opposite direction. And I began to get a sinking feeling in my stomach…I was telling a story and stumbled and stuttered through my sentence. I couldn’t talk about it because of the company I was in…but my heart began to beat harder and harder.
And I told myself that seeing this person didn’t change anything. It didn’t change anything. My day was NOT going to be ruined because of what this person did to me. I was going to enjoy my evening. I was going to enjoy being with friends. I CHOSE to let that encounter mean nothing to me. It was a big step and I was proud of myself – it was freeing for me. It wasn’t easy…..it was a choice. A choice to LET GO! YES!!! Saying bye-bye to drama…
“Letting go of my past and glad I have another chance and I wanna dance ’cause I don’t have to read that page again! Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine ME!”
Change is good…
28 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
in My Striking Life Tags: bbq, change, friends, visiting, washington, wyoming
Last week we went back to Washington for a visit. It was supposed to be exciting, like nothing had changed, we would triumphantly return to our old hometown and be heroes! Yeah…not so much.
So much has changed about our little town. The first thing we did was drive by our old house – it’s different now, painted, new windows, new planters on the porch. I knew it would be different and I wasn’t really affected by the changes with the house. What affected me was the rest of the neighborhood. The yards were all brown, there were weeds, the neighborhood looks a little dingy. I asked around and there’s been a drought and the price of water was raised so no one has a green lawn this year. Our sweet little neighborhood is all dried up.
We also wanted to have fun with old friends…except…half of our friends have moved or were on their vacations. The rest of our friends there were divided. By divided I mean – there were several “camps” and people weren’t getting along. Some friends of ours wanted to have a BBQ for us but they don’t get along with some of our good friends – so inviting our friends proved to be an experience in sadness. We are still friends with everyone and got to see everyone. But we missed having everyone together.
Another thing – I got lost. I lived in that town for 8 years and when a friend and I got together for a quick lunch she suggested we go to Taco Bell. I began to drive and realized I had NO IDEA where Taco Bell was. I only ate there about 100 times! She had to tell me where to go. I got lost a couple of times and every time it just made me frown. It’s not my home anymore.
Sadly, my older daughter learned this lesson also. She is 13, a big reason that we decided to go back to Washington this summer is because she was really homesick and had come to my husband and I crying verrrrry big tears and telling us it would make it the greatest summer ever if we could visit so she could see her friends. She lived in Washington from the time she was 3 until she was 12. She went to the same schools all that time, grew up with the same friends and our move to Wyoming was quite a change for her. She has done excellent here, gets good grades, has made some really lovely friends and continues to excell in everything she does. But of course, being 13, she wanted to see her old friends. For a week before we went I reminded her to get in touch with her friends via email or myspace and make plans. No one replied. When we arrived she called and called – no one was available, no one could meet up with her (I was willing to pick up/drop off/pay/whatever it took). One friend invited her to sleep over but later had to cancel. Another friend said she’d come to our BBQ but then later declined. A third friend returned one of her calls and acted as though my daughter’s call was a complete annoyance. She saw none of her friends, it was a hard lesson about growing up. My other daughter did have a fun afternoon with her best friend but aside from that, there was very little visiting going on.
My husband and I spent some time reflecting on the changes and being sad. And as the trip progressed I found myself saying “I wish we were back home in Wyoming.” The change…Wyoming is our home. Washington is not, we are just visitors there now.
Having said all of that, we did have fun with the friends we were able to see, we attended a wedding and it was very special, we went to our old church and saw old friends, we had food at old favorite restaurants, we enjoyed sunsets every night from the deck of the home that we stayed at, I took lots of pictures and got some really good ones…
Change is good. I feel that we got some closure and that life in Wyoming is more and more permanent. We have been here almost a year and we have managed to build a special life here.
